Chapter V: The Choir, Part 2
I think it was either April or May at that time. We were called to serve for the Final or Last Night at a wake for a beloved Matriarch in a Mansion near the Cathedral. Sir Lex relied on Adi to play and not him. He picked him instead of me, still a bit of jealousy since I also wanted to play for the matriarch though. But at the end of the day, they just wanted me to sing as a Bass.
On the evening of the Last Night, we went to the Mansion. We went up the rustic creaky yet grand staircase draped with purple veils and the Estandartes they used the previous Holy Week Procession. We went up to the Sala Grande, or the Grand Living Room. It was so spacious, and adorned with a lot of ornaments. The coffin of the matriarch was at the right side with rows of chair and the sofas. Statues of St. Joseph, Sacred Heart of Jesus, and Ina Poonbato were at the left of it. At the left side of the room, were round tables and a catering service.
We entered and positioned ourselves at the sofas. The grandson of the late matriarch greeted and welcomed us. Before we began to play, we went to the coffin to pay our respects and pray for the matriarch. It was all normal, until I saw the matriarch. From her face, I remembered my late grandma. My late grandma was a devotee of Ina Poonbato, and the matriarch was their head or leader. And the image that was beside the matriarch's coffin is the very same image that was visiting our house back then. I tries not to cry, but emotions can have a limit to its maxima. We played some songs, until we get to one of the songs, that made me lose my emotions.
From a violinic tune like a large cruise ship is sinking into the cold waters of the Atlantic, it's Naayat (Beloved). This song broke me, especially during the wake of my late grandma. Hearing or the singing the lyrics makes you really mourn and grief, and tears will just kept on flowing out. As the song played, no voice came out from my mouth. I felt the sorrow, and the grief, so I wanted some fresh air. I went out to the edge of the stairs. Some tears trickled down my cheeks. I waited for the song to stop. As it stopped, I went back in. We ate, and played again. An old woman was giving 100 pesos each as a token of their gratitude.
It was 11pm when the Last Night was over. We went outside to Plaza Burgos, and I started to be hesitant about the group. Kuya M noticed me, and persuaded me to come closer to them. Near the monument, Kuya L said to me, "Mar, can we talk over there?"
I agreed and Kuya L and I went to the small concreted bench, still standing.
"Anya ti ububraem didiay tattay? (What were you doing back there?)", he berated me.
I told him about it. It looked like he understood so he drove me back home.
However, on the way home, he berated me more.
"Mar, even if you wanted to play as the pianist, remember that you still had one position, the other position and that is being a Bass. Being a Bass is still part of the choir. It's still an essential part of the choir", he said to me.
"It's your choice, Mar. Leave the choir, or continue with the choir? I'll give you some time to it. I'll leave it up to you", he added.
I got home late, and I still wanted to join the choir. The next Saturday at 5pm at the Major Seminary, my seniors were there. Kuya G, a Tenor who didn't had a mustache back then, had one. And some members weren't present. I sang with them, and yet they don't notice me, especially Sir Lex. Adi was the pianist, again. They didn't notice me whatsoever.
It was at the time, I was skeptical of the choir. I got advice from my mom, and she told me something valuable. If they don't want me anymore, then don't join them no more.
Being left-out from groups is a normal issue for many people. People being left-out either from group, lessons, gaming, and more is complex. Back then, I experienced it with my friends but they took me back in which I would say, reconciled and with peace. The Bean-E Chorus that I came from, did that but never reconciled.
People often have the tendencies to run away from situations like this. It can be cause by pressure, being left-out, or personal reasons. Running away isn't a cowardly plan to be executed. But if one knows that they're in a toxic situation or scenario, then it's their choice to commend, amend, continue, or run away. That would be interpreted as Sink or Swim, or the Flight or Fight response.
In general, I didn't run away from my responsibilities. I had just ran away from toxicity. If I would have continued the choir, my jealousy and emotions wouldn't have a cure for it, nor it wouldn't hold it through the duration of the process.
Back then, when I was part of the choir with Sir Jack back at the school behind the cathedral, it was powerful and they would greet and thank me for having me there to sing with them because I was the youngest. The Immaculate music did require musical background to flow with the beats and rhythm, and that's according to Sir Jack. At the Bean-E, it lacked background music thus distorting the measurement and beat for every song I played. Due to the lack of background, I would sometimes either making it fast, moderate, or very slow.
Then, I realizes something. I was at peace with my old school choir rather than with the current ecumenical choir. Thus, due to what I've experienced and what I've felt, I would eventually leave Bean-E. I never left the group chats, nor archive or block them, but passively like ghosting on social media. If they really don't understand what I feel, then don't join them.
If I might have overstepped my boundary of keeping the standards of professionalism, then that is not the impression one might have enough to govern society itself. It's an ecumenical choir, and polishing might be one bit, but as ecumenical choir, they should learn how to value one's time and to make everyone as an equal. Governing proceeds to giving equal rights to the people, eye for an eye if presume, but members deserved to be treated with the amount of respect they needed.
At the café, a block from Calle Crisologo, me and Daniel chat about college life again. Then, another friend of ours comes in. It's Marie, Daniel's girl best friend. Marie was with us in the ecumenical choir, but doesn't frequently come to practice.
"Marie, how is the chapel at the university right now?", I ask.
"Dude, there are many things going on at the chapel. So first things first, Kuya G and Ate C broke up...", she says.
I remember that long ago when I was still there at the chapel, Kuya G and Ate C were dating. But I did not expected that it would turn out that way.
She continues, "...and the chapel's ceiling is dilapidated, creaky, dripping when it rains, and it's falling down technically."
The chapel was and still at a poor state with cabinets, altars, and ceilings infested with termites.
"And get this, Kuya R is not anymore coming back to the choir since he and Kuya L had an argument.", she adds.
I know that if I would still have been with the ecumenical choir, the toxicity bar would still go up a lot. Speaking of toxicity, I remember that one time, during the feast of Sir Lex's barangay. Me and my senior went there, and made me drink alcohol. The booze in question, didn't go so well. They told me I did something to Ate D, but actually there wasn't. All I remembered was a lot of history talk before going to sleep in the tent for males.
I sip my cup of hot choco, and sigh of relief.
Separation from toxicity is not a cowardice act but a good step. Toxicity creates a virus that spreads to people, affecting their will, their own free will bound by the chains of demands and the illness that 'that' virus inflicts on a person. Will-affected by toxicity is a will that can't distinguish what is good, or bad any longer.
I do not have regrets or threats to Bean-E, but all I wanted them to know, is that I'm not mad or upset at them, nor they should be mad at me. Apologies upon the things I created, and the path shall continue on. I'm ashamed of going back or visiting the chapel again. I don't want to go back there anymore. However, my tent for sure is still with Kuya M since he borrowed it. He hasn't returned it.
I only pray hope and peace be with them. God only knows whatever happened to my tent. Hopefully, it's still intact and in good condition.
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